When I was around 16 years old was the first time I remember feeling confused about how I handled gratitude. I was given a gift and remember feeling grateful but also paralyzed with what to do. Was I supposed to save it for later? Was I supposed to open it right then? I’d only ever opened presents during Christmas or during a birthday party. Well, apparently I was supposed to open it right then. The person let me know I had hurt their feelings. I didn’t want to appear greedy or as though I only cared about presents and that’s why I didn’t open it.
The next time I was confused was when a friend began giving me thank you notes and cards for different occasions. It was so frequent that I had to ask myself, “have I been neglectful of giving thanks my whole life?” I never sent thank you notes at all. It wasn’t something I was raised to do. The self-judgement I felt was intense. Over the next few years I worked hard to be more thoughtful and giving. The truth is, when I have the thought to give a gift it often ends with “they’re going to think this gift is stupid.” I don’t know where I got that type of thinking.
I began taking the risk with my friend. I noticed she opened the gift immediately and met it with squeals of excitement every single time! Often it was followed with a hug and kiss on the cheek which was also quite foreign to me. A thank you card was sure to follow. Was I supposed to send a thank you card back to thank her for the card? You might think that’s ridiculous but one time she did that very thing and I had to question it. The gift giving was fun and I’m glad it’s something I do more often. The thank you notes were and are a struggle (except the notes to customers which I love writing).
This had me question how I was raised to express gratitude. What I noticed when I began observing my family is, it is often unspoken. It was a non-verbal energy exchange full of expression. When my aunt made me a Barbie cake, she did so to make me happy and she was happy when she saw my face light up. I hope I said thank you but I don’t really remember being pulled aside to say it. (I know my own children have the recollection of being pulled aside). I also remember peeking at my cakes in the fridge and admiring their beauty! Were we not a grateful family? It is absolutely not the case that we were not grateful. Gifts and acts of service were received with an understanding. The understanding was “If I love you, I will show you.” Thanks and love were both expressed in this way.
The problems began when I moved away from my family. The feedback I received indirectly was that I was unloving and ungrateful. Now that I understand colonization, I understand the miscommunication. In my culture, gifts often consisted of food, and handmade items. Someone once told me there is a Native proverb “If someone likes you they will buy you a gift, but if they really love you they will make something for you.”
I can’t tell you how many times I can recall receiving food and handmade items. This is the reason I have so many blankets! My grandma made blankets for everyone and for everything. I treasure my blankets and the time I spent with her in the sewing room full of fabric scraps. I don’t really recall many verbal exchanges of I love you. I recall being bitten, being pinched, being squeezed, being danced with and mostly being together. I felt loved. It was not until later that I began to question whether my family loved. In this new insecurity I began to tell people I loved them. I began asking people in my family to tell me thank you and now I’m not sure how I feel about any of it. I still straddle both ways of being.
All I can say is that I appreciated the times people let me know I hurt their feelings when I didn’t respond a certain way. As we move forward in this global society, it’s critical that we ask questions and assume positive intent. It’s also important to realize there is no right way.