When I was around 16 years old was the first time I remember feeling confused about how I handled gratitude. I was given a gift and remember feeling grateful but also paralyzed with what to do. Was I supposed to save it for later? Was I supposed to open it right then? I’d only ever opened presents during Christmas or during a birthday party. Well, apparently I was supposed to open it right then. The person let me know I had hurt their feelings. I didn’t want to appear greedy or as though I only cared about presents and that’s why I didn’t open it.

The next time I was confused was when a friend began giving me thank you notes and cards for different occasions. It was so frequent that I had to ask myself, “have I been neglectful of giving thanks my whole life?” I never sent thank you notes at all. It wasn’t something I was raised to do. The self-judgement I felt was intense. Over the next few years I worked hard to be more thoughtful and giving. The truth is, when I have the thought to give a gift it often ends with “they’re going to think this gift is stupid.” I don’t know where I got that type of thinking.

I began taking the risk with my friend. I noticed she opened the gift immediately and met it with squeals of excitement every single time! Often it was followed with a hug and kiss on the cheek which was also quite foreign to me. A thank you card was sure to follow. Was I supposed to send a thank you card back to thank her for the card? You might think that’s ridiculous but one time she did that very thing and I had to question it. The gift giving was fun and I’m glad it’s something I do more often. The thank you notes were and are a struggle (except the notes to customers which I love writing).

This had me question how I was raised to express gratitude. What I noticed when I began observing my family is, it is often unspoken. It was a non-verbal energy exchange full of expression. When my aunt made me a Barbie cake, she did so to make me happy and she was happy when she saw my face light up. I hope I said thank you but I don’t really remember being pulled aside to say it. (I know my own children have the recollection of being pulled aside). I also remember peeking at my cakes in the fridge and admiring their beauty! Were we not a grateful family? It is absolutely not the case that we were not grateful. Gifts and acts of service were received with an understanding. The understanding was “If I love you, I will show you.” Thanks and love were both expressed in this way.

The problems began when I moved away from my family. The feedback I received indirectly was that I was unloving and ungrateful. Now that I understand colonization, I understand the miscommunication. In my culture, gifts often consisted of food, and handmade items. Someone once told me there is a Native proverb “If someone likes you they will buy you a gift, but if they really love you they will make something for you.”

I can’t tell you how many times I can recall receiving food and handmade items. This is the reason I have so many blankets! My grandma made blankets for everyone and for everything. I treasure my blankets and the time I spent with her in the sewing room full of fabric scraps. I don’t really recall many verbal exchanges of I love you. I recall being bitten, being pinched, being squeezed, being danced with and mostly being together. I felt loved. It was not until later that I began to question whether my family loved. In this new insecurity I began to tell people I loved them. I began asking people in my family to tell me thank you and now I’m not sure how I feel about any of it. I still straddle both ways of being.

All I can say is that I appreciated the times people let me know I hurt their feelings when I didn’t respond a certain way. As we move forward in this global society, it’s critical that we ask questions and assume positive intent. It’s also important to realize there is no right way.

Here is my interpretation of those infamous scraps done sustainably just like grandma’s scraps!