Give It Away
I downloaded a revelation last night as I slept and dreamed of watching a swarm of eagles in their nesting area. Looking up the meaning of eagles in dreams I came across this interpretation: “The eagle is trying to tell you to listen to your intuition more. You should stop acting like a recluse and don’t try to hide from everything that scares you. Face your fears because that’s the only way you can win fear. Your dream also foretells a challenge you will have to overcome. Don’t do things to prove others you can do it, but to prove yourself instead.”
Well there it is. I have been holding on to something and it was suddenly clear this morning. I remember creating this painting in 2017 and thinking “I wonder if it will be liked.” I remember feeling shaky when I revealed it to my friend and told him "just take it!" If I give it away, I never have to know if people think I’m good enough to be paid for my art. Shoot! I struggle with this too? I found myself in an internal battle: That fear makes no sense, I am fierce. I know who I am. Have I been covering my insecurity all of this time with a facade? What does this mean?
The eagles from my dream urged me to remember my value and worth. Not to give my art away unless it is my intention from the start. It was my fault though I tried to place blame on my friend. I hurt myself in the exchange. Only in my own authenticity will I truly find what I’m looking for: the freedom to create what I want when I want. I’m not quite sure how to do this but I am clearer on the damage done when I don't face my shadow.
The time we currently find ourselves in is all about facing our individual and collective shadows. I know now that my shadow is about looking for approval. I must accept myself, first and foremost. I must know my value. I see how my grudges, fights and judgements are all rooted in this shadow side. I think artists are prone to this feeling. On some level I knew it was there. Afterall, each time I release a new item on this website I feel a bit sick.
The funny thing is that I tell the students I work with all of the time “you are perfect as you are” and am so confused when they don’t understand they are. I revealed a new creation today and I see how damaging my insecurity is as I work to claim who I am in my ancestry without technically having enrollment! I get to decide who I am and once I know that, I will not have to fight with anyone about accepting me.
Darn, I see now it was a keeper.